Monday, January 5, 2009
Here is what I got to go on. Right 'fore Christmas, Jitters got kicked out of the hospital. You may recall , she was in traction from when I tried again to assist her in suicide by throwing her from my vehicle . Uh huh, when we went round a hairpin curve while I was taking her to the emergency room after I attempted to cut the hoola hoop oft her with that ole 'lectric knife. Yeah, Shug, that's right. It broke most bones in her little midget body. Anyhoo, Jitters was supposed to stay in traction until the birth of her triplets. I was counting on that to give me some reprieve over the holidays. But, oh nawww, no rest fer the weary here. I had to pick up that gotdam troll of an albatross on Christmas Eve after she bit the left ear clean oft of an orderly who was trying to change her bedpan. Some birthday present fer me. Aww, Darlin', I jist got your card. You was so sweet to remember me. I done had so many of 'em now, Babe, I would rather stop countin' 'em. The shiny wore oft that several years back, but thanks fer thinkin' of me.
So, I loaded Jitters into my '65 Mustang, cause my Juniors was using the Pony van and Baby 2.0 likes to drive the Mercedes. The way it worked out, Jitters had to check in with her parole officer down in south Mississippi at a place called the House of Bread on Christmas day. To tell you the truth, I don't want to know why Jitters does anything, in case I ever have to testify. So, I don't never ask. But, you know how she gets me to do her biddin'- by blackmail. That's what's done made me her slave fer low these many years. I hate her like shingles. I had to jam that pregnant midget, body cast and all, into the Mustang and carry her down to this tiny town outside of Hebron on Christmas Eve. It ain't far as the crow flies from here and I figured we'd be back by early mornin'.
We made it to this little back water town and it was gettin' close to midnight. I had been drinkin' all day, as usual. After we left the Pink Pussycat, I thought it might be wise to get a room fer the night so we could wake up fresh the next morning. Well, you try gettin' a room at the only motel outside Hebron, Mississippi on Christmas Eve at dark-thirty with a pregnant midget in traction and a body cast. It would a taken a miracle and we was S.O.L.
I did my bestest to git her to rest in the car but, Jitters commenced to bitchin', as is her custom. So, I jimmied the lock on a real nice, new vet clinic and got us set up there amongst the animals bein' boarded. After I fed and watered Jitters and scratched her real good with the straighted out coat hanger, I was just fixin' to grab me a lil' shut eye. Heaven's no, that would be way too kind of her to let me sleep. Jitters' water broke and she went into labor. Course, she carried on like she was the only woman who was has ever gone into labor in a vet clinic while she was in a body cast. She's got such a flair fer the drama and she hadn't never had any babies before. It's bout as big a deal as you make it. Lawrd, I've had babies and still made my shift at the Pony. Bein' a single mama will git you back on your feet pretty fast.
Makin' babies and havin' 'em is one thang I am real good at. I been doin' it a long time. I've actually had more babies than Brad and Angelia got. And you know, how excited I been 'bout the idea of raisin' midget triplets. Well, imagine my disappointment when there was not three babies after all. As big as Jitters was and all the medical opinions I wasted my time on - there wasn't but one normal sized baby boy in there. Sure as shootin', I was with her fer the ultrasounds and heard the heartbeats and everything. I said, "Jitters, what the hell did you do with them other two babies? You supposed to have three tiny babies in here, not just one normal sized one. I looked around real good, but he's all I can find! Leave it to you to screw this deal up." She seemed as puzzled as me, which is not unusual. I was just fixin' to take the muzzle oft her mouth so she could answer when I heard someone comin' in the vet clinic. Oh, Lawrd, not another breakin' and enterin' conviction.....
Well, I'll be damned iffin it wasn't a psychic, a nail tech and a bar tender. They had been out ridin' round and partyin' when they saw a strange light above the place and came to see what all the commotion was about. Seems I had accidentally turned on the spotlight the veterinarian used fer his grand openin'. That sucker was castin' a beam all the way to Yazoo City in the night sky. I begged 'em not to call the cops as I explained our situation right quick. They must have led sheltered lives 'cause they found it a bit unusual. But since I had plenty of whiskey and prescription drugs they were o.k. with the whole thang. I find that true in most cases, cash don't usually hurt none either.
Why, you would think these folks had never seen a baby before, the way they ooooed and gooed over that lil fella. He is right pretty, I got him out just perfect without no problem a'tall. He's a good baby too, don't cry or nothin'. The psychic, nail tech and bar tender started givin' him thangs. He's probably the only baby to get a car air freshener, a genuine cubit zirconium ring and some hand sanitizer. I wrapped him up good in clean bar towels from the bar keep and we all made a party out of it. All the animals joined in. Even Jitters seemed happy and almost attractive for the first time since I been knowin' her. I let her hold the baby fer a minute and he had the most peaceful look on his little face. She didn't try to hurt him or nothin' and I felt a glimmer of hope that I may let her live a while longer. I jist can't hate her when he's around- it's the strangest feelin', like I'm missing a limb or somethin'.
Awww, I hear my lil fella right now. He must be up from his nap. You want to meet Baby Josh? That's what I call him. He's bout the cutest thing I ever saw, course I can't let my Juniors or Juniorettes hear me say that. But, there is somethin' special 'bout him, I tell you what. Can you hold him fer a minute while I fix him a bottle? When I git back I'll try to explain where I been these past few weeks...but it's kindly a blur. Let me say this, I am never goin' to Mexico with two dudes I met at the B Qwik again, that is fer damn sure....
Monday, December 15, 2008
Anyhoo, speakin' of Yankee doins. You been followin' that story 'bout Jesse Jackson, Jr? Well, they ain't hardly mentioned it on the news. I can brang you up to speed right qwick. That Governor up yonder in Illinois, got a real funny name, Blagxzkvqzkch -something or nother like that. Ain't got enough vowels in it to pronouce out loud. I read somewhere that this fella and his wife was the inspiration behind the characters of Tony and Carmela Soprano. Naw, that ain't what the big news is about. It' s kindly hard to read through all the quotes. They got all their expletives blocked out and it don't leave much fer readin'. These folks could embarrass Yosemite Sam. But, from what I gather, it seems he come up with the idea to sell the vacant Senate seat left by Obama. No, Darlin'.... not the chair itself. But if he's got much sense, he's sellin' that too. Blagxzkvqzkch was takin' money from politicians who wanted to be the next Senator. Course, he dusted it with powdered sugar and put a bow on it, callin' it campaign contributions and what not. You know how politicians do. I got the jist of it and that there ain't such a bad plan.
Where this fella, Blagxzkvqzch, went wrong is that he thought he was bulletproof. Most folks don't take a shine to real cocky sons of b#tches. In fact, they want to see 'em fall. Like I tell my Joons, when you make a livin' in non-traditional revenues, it don't never behoove you to mouth oft and be uppity. You got to lay low, keep your head down and be pleasant. And fer Gawd's sake, don't git too greedy. You heard of a monkey trap, ain't you , Shug? That's where a monkey puts his hand in a box to grab some candy and he can't git his hand out 'cause he done grabbed too big a fist full. Two thangs that will git you caught faster than lightin' is bein' cocky and bein' greedy. Them two is twins, you got to be vigilant against 'em. Unless you is one that likes bein' in prison.
Well, Jesse Jackson, Jr. wanted to put his hat in the ring fer this Senate seat. I would have doubled down on him winnin' . He's got a whole lot of experience bein' a politician and such. The Jackson family and the Blagxzkqzch family goes way back. They done spent heaps of time together over the years. So, Jesse Jackson, Jr. went to see Blagxkqzch at his office the other day to tell him 'bout how much he wanted that job. Jesse, Jr. seemed proud to say that he didn't send his Daddy or his brother to talk fer him, but went to see the Governor his own self. Well, I reckon so, he's a grown man fer Gawd's sake. He'll git no medal from me there and I hope he don't say that again. That didn't make him sound real bright.
Anyhoo, Jesse Jackson, Jr. was shocked and disappointed when his longtime family friend got busted fer this lil scheme he done got cocky and greedy on. It was the very day after Jesse Jr. had been to visit him. Seems all that time knowin' Blagxkqzch, Jesse Jr. never picked up on what kind of show this fella was runnin'. Now Jesse Jackson, Jr. wants his name back. Well, he can have it. I sure as hell don't want it. That daddy of his has always bugged the tar out of me. And it ain't 'cause he's black like he'd probably lead you to think. It's cause he's irritatin' and he would be no matter what color he came in. So, I reckon Jesse Jr. is a real bad judge of character and has some of the worst timin' in political history. Hmm, maybe he jist fell oft the stupid truck, but I didn't.
Hey, Shug, would you mind carryin' me down to the hospital? I'm too drunk to drive. That troll of a albatross, Jitters, is causin' a commotion. I'm gone straighten it out directly. She keeps hollerin', "Help...Help...Help....I need Help!". Aww, there ain't nothin' wrong with her, Darlin'. She's jist missin' this gotdam dog of hers I'm keepin'. Yep, that's what she named it, "Help".
Friday, December 12, 2008
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
All the Joons is out back whackin' at WD-40 cans and playin' dodge the ice pic. So, they shouldn't bother us none for a while. Tell me how you been doin' and don't leave nothin' out. Your mama and them aright? I saw she cut her Christmas lights on. Real perty. You know, she is smart jist to leave all her decorations up all year. Tell her I asked bout her. Hope the swellin' has gone down in her ankles some and her hair is growin' back. How'd Bubba, Jr.s' parole hearin' go? Well, you holler at me soon as y'all hear.
Oh, Lawrd, Satan's still ringing my phone out my pocket. Turns out a slew of them dyslexic peoples signed up for Listmas. They thought they was loggin' onto one of Santa's websites where you was garanteed to git everythang you want. People magazine said readin' stuff wrong is a part of bein' dyslexic and Cher is one of 'em. "Satan" and "Santa" ain't far oft even fer folks that can read good. It's a big mix up but, what do you expect from the author of confusion? I know he did it on purpose, put pictures of Santa all over the website. Hell no, he's not gone let the dyslexics out of their contracts. He said no body reads the fine print, but these folks was jist a bonus. I know, Darlin', Satan is mean. He did say fer me to be sure and tell you hello and that he's real lonely. Don't fall fer it.
Hey, Hon. Let me ask you somethin'. A lot of my blogger friends got lil games they play on certain days of the week. You know, caption contests and what not. Bein' that I ain't real computer literate, I'm kindly limited on the fun we can have here. But, I been studyin' on a new idea. You tell me how you like it and be truthful now. I was gone call it "WTF Wednesdee?" I figured I could usually post it on Wednesdees, but that ain't cast in stone. Maybe I'm the only one who's got thoughts that rattle around in my mind like loose change in the dryer. What if nobody else has anything that makes 'em say "WTF?" several hundred times a day.? WTF would be up with that? Well, let's jist run it up the flagpole and see....
- PeOPle WhO aRe TyPinG LiKe ThIs. hAS AnYoNE SeEn iT bUt mE? HeLp mE uNdErsTaNd WtF iS gOinG oN hErE.
- LOLCats. I know I'm gone be steppin' on some paws here, but they don't make me LOL. Maybe, chuckle to myself. CTMCats, that's better.
- Folks who want to go on and on 'bout their busy-ness. When did bein' busy become a contest? I'd like to go on record as sayin', "You win, you are so much busier than me! No need to provide me any proof."
- Directory assistance. When I call 411 it is 'cause I am too lazy to look up a phone number in the book. Now that robot lady is gettin' so chatty with all her questions, she 'bout to be more trouble than she's worth.
- Christmas cards that is sent with the sole purpose of makin' the recipient feel like an ugly, loser livin' it abject poverty. Iffin you don't know what I'm talkin' bout, maybe you is one of the folks who send 'em out.
http://kotaku.com/5088488/second-life-marriage-ends-the-way-many-real-ones-do That is one I'm gone leave y'all to ponder. I done read it 4 times and I still don't understand. That's my short list fer the first "WTF Wednesdee". Y'all got anything to tell me, brang it on. It's open season on WTF.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Hey, Hon! You better git your tail on in this trailer. I have been missin' you like a good pair of scissors. Give me one of your hugs. Damn, Darlin' you is a sight fer sore eyes. I am jist 'bout finished with that Harry Winston stuff. Waitin' on a few Ebay auctions to end here shortly. Let's git Baby 2.o to mix us up some Jack and Coke. You can visit with me while I clean oft my desk. I ain't hardly had time to go through my mail with Jitters and them pesterin' blisters in me.
I done told you my ex-husband, Satan, is callin', textin' twitterin' and emailin' me every time I turn around. At least he's happy fer now, 'bout that new holiday of his, Listmas. It's catchin' on like Strep Throat. He did get a jump start signin' up all them Wal-Mart Stampeders. Satan says don't nobody read the fine print on nothin', I reckon he's right. I ain't seen him this excited since he thunk up 9-11. He wants me to tell y'all he thunk up Cyber Monday as well as Black Friday. Yep, he noticed that while the 6 other deadly sins was up durin' the first few weeks in December, sloth was down, so....yeah. Oh, he ain't no dummy. He studies all that stuff non-stop..... works too much, that's why we broke up. It's too bad he set his mind on evil, he could have done a lot of good. Lawrd, he gits a snootfull and calls me cryin' all the time. Always askin' me why nobody likes him and if Jesus is still mad at him..... I ain't gittin' in the middle of that. Most his troubles is his own fault, really. Still, I try not to piss him oft 'cause of my alimony check. Puts me in a tight spot, with me bein' a modern day prophet and all. But the pay on bein' a prophet wouldn't even cover my liqour bill. It ain't easy bein' all things to all people.
Anyhoo, let's see what we got on this desk of mine. Well, look a here. My Texas friend, Aria, at http://ariazink.blogspot.com/ is loadin' me up with some awards! That gal is too good to me, I mean it. Baby 2.0's gone have to take the truck over there to pick all them up...goodness gracious! Then here's one from my lil sprite of a friend, Quirkster at http://www.quirkyloon.com/. That gal tickles me! And my soul sista, Angie, over at http://www.cupofsnarky.com/ done give me an award a while back. I got to try to keep up with my correspondence better than this, Shug.Makes me look unorganized and ungrateful and only half that is true. I reckon I am gone have to hire me a new assistant. Looks like mine is gone stay out with the root rot a while longer.
And here's a message that my buddy , Ettarose done tagged me http://sanityonedge.blogspot.com/. You know, Hon. This gives me a good opportunity to get some thing oft my chest that has been worryin' me.Laura Bush sent me a list of pranks they is plannin' to pull on the Obamas when they leave the White House. Some of 'em is funny, but some of 'em is a bit over the top. Laura is the one who came up with all of 'em. Dub ain't all that creative, you know. But Laura, she's the one you got to keep an eye on. Here's the list. Maybe iffin I post it here, the Obamas can get wind of it and save themselves some trouble.
THINGS TO DO BEFORE LEAVING THE WHITE HOUSE. BY LAURA BUSH.
- Stuff shrimp hulls in all closet rods of private residence.
- Suspend raw chickens mid way down every chimney.
- Switch all hot and cold faucets.
- Put rubber bands over all spray nozzles.
- Take all clappers and remotes.
- Replace Presidential China with NASCAR commemorative plates.
- Put cigarette buts under carpet pads in every room of private residence.
- Switch all Presidential Magic 8 Balls to ones I had made that only say "MAYBE".
- Replace all ball point pens in Oval Office to disappearing ink pens from Spencer's.
- Put gold fish in all water cooler tanks.
- Super glue Oval Office desk drawers shut.
- Cancel the Obama's change of address at post office.
- Cross White House private residence phone number with Domino's Pizza number between the hours of 11:00pm- 3:00am every Friday and Saturday night.
- Infest entire area and grounds with fleas and sugar ants.
- Leave a male and female cricket in each bedroom.
- Disconnect doorbells.
- Paint Green Room red.
- Replace carpet in Blue Room with lime green shag.
- Paint Red Room green.
- Hang sign in East Room that reads, "Now facing West."
- Set all clocks back 15 minutes.
- Replace contents of Library with back issues of Mad Magazine.
- Release aphids in Rose Garden.
- Turn off all hot water heaters.
- Remove all light bulbs from White House.
Like I said, you got to watch Laura. I am fixin' to give her a buzz and see can I talk her into takin' the high road here. Darlin' do you have any way we can git in touch with Michelle and them and give 'em a heads up? I hate to see 'em start out with no hot water or lights. And they won't get no Christmas cards from none of their friends with their mail not being delivered. That there is jist too mean. Now, Shug. You come with me while I go melt down all this precious metal. It was a bitch poppin' all them stones out the settins. Harry Winston puts 'em in there real tight, I will say that. Grab that flask and them Marlboros, Babe. This won't take long. What would I do without you, Hon? You and me is the only sane folks I know.
Friday, December 5, 2008
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Hades Inc. Underworldwide Headquarters
Phone: (666) 666-6613
FAX: (666) 666 - 6660
Hades Inc., Creator of Black Friday, Launches a New Holiday This Season
Fourth Circle, Hades December 2, 2008 - Hades Inc., creator of Black Friday, is pleased to announce the launch of a new holiday this season."Listmas" is the alternative and/or supplemental holiday. As the name suggests, Listmas will focus on abolishing the disappointment closely associated with other more traditional holidays. The true beauty of Listmas lies in its simplicity. Participants compile an exhaustive list of every expensive product they expect to receive on December 25Th. These lists are then distributed via viral marketing, post it notes, spam, text messaging, graffiti, bricks thrown through windows, junk mail, billboards, sandwich board, sky writing, subliminal suggestion, Ouija board, tarot cards, tea leaves, tattoos, carrier pigeon, even smoke signals. Creativity in list compilation and distribution is encouraged. The object is to get everything on that list by whatever means necessary. That is all there is to it.
Unlike Christmas, Hanukkah or Kwanzaa, Listmas is unencumbered by the distracting concern for others. Because Listmas is not outwardly associated with any Deity, there are no niggling religious entanglements or obligations. However, Hades, Inc. has arranged for Listmas devotees to enjoy cult status, ensuring three days paid vacation to spend time with their new stuff. Satan, President and CEO of Hades, Inc. states, "Trust me, Listmas is going to be like Christmas and your birthday combined, only way better. I'm proud to establish a holiday that is simply about getting what you deserve. Hey, don't waste another minute thinking about anyone else. Spend your time making your list and distributing it to as many people as possible. Be sure to tell them they don't love you if they fail to buy these things for you - that is just the truth. Come on, it will be fun!" Projections indicate that the simple message of Listmas will be a refreshing change of pace this holiday season.
For additional information on Listmas, please contact Plutus at Hades, Inc. Fourth Circle Division at (666) 666-6613.
Hades, Inc. has been in business for 1,000s of years and is a multi-national conglomerate with offices in every major city in the world, and then some. Under the leadership of Satan, Hades Inc. has enjoyed status as an unsurpassed leader in the consulting industry representing such notable clients as Wal-Mart, Toys-R-Us, Disney, Google, Best Buy and HSN.
Friday, November 28, 2008
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Hey, Hon! Git that tail of yours on in this church and give me a hug. How you doin? Your mama and them was up to the Piggly Wiggly yesterdee. Yeah, I seen what you was tellin' me, Shug. But there jist ain't no easy way to tell a woman her hair's goin' sparse. Some thangs is better left in the strongbox, and that there is one of 'em, Darlin. She still got a right perty face, iffin you take a shot, squint your eyes and stand far away. It was nice to visit with her. I hope that left side of her body gets back to movin' soon. She wore me slap out, havin' me to scratch her good ankle. She's swelled up like dead horse. Them Tweedy Bird socks is cuttin' at her circulation.
Anyhoo, I'm fixin' to put you to work, Lovebug. Yep, it's time fer our monthly community service project here at Our Lady of Intermittent Tomorrows. Awww, we did have a ball and chain with Katfish fer Konvikts . But this time's fer the homeless. Some folks out there ain't got a bottle to spit in nor a winder to chunk it out of- much less a can of Skoal. Why, they'd be pleased as punch to come to a fork in the road- jist to have a eatin' utensil. Hon, not all persons is as lucky to be blessed as we is. So, I'm the chairperson fer this here "Thank Gawd We Ain't You" program.
Fore I spearheaded this committee, it shames me to tell you what they was passin' out to these indigenous people. How would you like to be in between trailers and somebody hands you a can of baby peas-without so much as a can opener, for Gawd's sake? Who in the Heyall would be thankful for that? I say they is jist lucky none of them do-gooders needed stitches after dolin' out pure D crap that had been collectin' dust in their pantry all year. Y'all, jist 'cause folks is homeless, it don't mean they is stupid or ain't got no taste buds. In these uncertain times, folks need a way to ease their troubles, not be reminded of 'em.
Now, we do it my way. I got a lot of experience knowin' what bums need...I married a gaggle of 'em. And I've been runnin' a 3/4 way house at the Won Ton Estates fer low these many years. It does strain me at times. But all of my clients is real cheerful 'bout makin' generous cash donations to fund my philanthropies when I expound my shenanigans to 'em. I'd like to give those fellas credit here, but my customer's anonymity is the cornerstone of my success and their benevolence. C'mon...help me, Baby 2.0 and all the Joons stuff these grocery buggies up with the followin' items.
- One "You Is Here" Doormat
- One weather thermometer
- 12 packages of Glide Dental Floss
- 12 Packages of "Supersmile" the Toothwhitening Gum
- 1 I pod Nano loaded up and charged (don't ferget the good headphones)
- 1medium sized dry erase board and 20 markers (different colors)
- 1 $3,000 gift certificate to Starbucks
- 15 Bottles of Axe Body Spray in Volcano Ash
- 100 Hand Warmers, normally used by deer hunters
- 5 Leppi' Selk Bags - see that photo up yonder? Now why didn't I thank a that? They's like a sleepin' bag...only you wear 'em. (again, consider the person when chosin' the color)
- 12o packages of Clearasil Facial Wipes
- 150 packages of plaid boxers (ask the size, you not gone embarrass 'em)
- 100 bottles of Psssssst Instant Spray Shampoo
- 120 boxes of Zone Bars (ask what their favorite flava is)
- 1 $10,000 gift certificate to Motel 6 (sorry, I couldn't git no place nicer fer 'em.)
- 16 boxes of Zicam Nasal Swabs
- 10 half gallons of their favorite whiskey and 2 shot glasses (in case they get company)
- 1 boars head bristle brush
- 1 shatterproof hand held mirror
- $250 in cash
- 7 pair Levi's button fronts
- 3 pairs of Cole Haan Loafers
- 5 Brooks Brothers No Iron Dress Shirts (White Only)
- 6 Shout Stain Remover Sticks
- 1 Mental Floss Book (they need to have some bull - in case they meet someone.)
- 1 copy of Holidays On Ice by David Sedaris ( He started oft as a Elf fer Gawd's sake...)
- 6 monogrammed linen cocktail napkins
- 12 Trapp Orange Vanilla Candles (don't ferget the lighters!)
- 1 down body pillow from Land's End
- 1 coupon fer free laundry service at any "Ancient Chinese Secret My Ass...." (Lawrd, Won Ton is gone kick my tail fer that one. I'll handle him, I am his Mama.) OK...no folding service y'all... wash only... Lawrd, I can already hear him.
I know it ain't much. I jist wished I could have gotten 'em all a Smart Car. I'm lobbyin' now fer next year. I hope this stop gap measure brangs a smile to some unfortunable people this week. I only got about 10,000 of these buggies to give away. Rest of the folks can crash with me at the 3/4 house till they git their sh#t together. I don't like no one to be alone on the Holidays, cept Jitters. And you and me both know, that ain't gone happen.'Cause she refuses to die. Anyhoo, Merry Thanksgivin', Shug. Awwww, I done almost fergot. Jesus said fer me to be sure and tell all of y'all that He loves you very much.....He will never leave you or forsake you..yadayada...He wishes you would visit more....He'd like fer you to try to find more time fer Him.....Oh, I can't remember the rest. Please, jist shoot Him an email or even a twitter. Iffin you git some down time, tell Him you appreciate all that He has done and what not....that kind of stuff goes a mighty long way with Him. It don't have to be nothin' fancy and it will git Him oft my back. I'll holler at y'all later, Hon. Tell your Mama I said, "Hey".
Friday, November 21, 2008
He's always claimed he's got a thang fer little china girls and ours is a modern love. Far be it from me to point out the flaws there. Like my mama says, "You don't wake a snake to kill it." Today he was just yammerin' on 'bout bidness and signin' parchments with a quill. So, I got to fiddlin' with his laptop. I ain't good with stray buttons, y'all. I try to keep my hands busy - a smoke and a drink in each at all times. But the service was fairly poor there ,since he gave the staff the day oft. I made a few bad strokes and lost some perty important cypherins on his computer. He was a teensy bit ornry with me fer a minute or more. But we worked the kinks out and it was stardust again. Ziggy wrote this lil song fer me and I thought y'all might git a kick out of it. I promise I won't go pushin' buttons when I don't know what they might do ever again! Unless that is what someone is wanting me to do-customer service is my strongsuit. Well, here's the song.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
I been tagged here lately by the proprietors of such fantabulous blogs as Hammy, the best friend I got in India, at http://www.hamishjoy.com/, the Gorgeous and Groovy Black Chick at http://groovyblackchick.blogspot.com/, Dan, the seriously funny guy at http://usinghumor.com/ , Dano (Loving you, and you can't stop me) at http://danomacnamarrah.blogspot.com/, Sandie, where cuteness comes to life at http://www.quirkyloon.com/. Iffin there was others, y'all let me know. My assistant's been out with the root rot, and it's wearin' me thin. I done poured burnt motor oil all over her and rubbed her down with poke salad root and she's still got it real incurable. May have to put her down. Makes me sad, she's a good ole gal, been with me a long time. Anyhoo, as usual, I was fully intendable to comply with all the instructionables to the tags as soon as my attorney returned 'em to me. Jist got lost in the shuffles.
Well, late this mornin' I woke up at the morgue again. I got a lot a friends down yonder since I used to collect Baby 1.0 up there quite regular due to his necrolepsy. But this time was a smidge different. There was a tag tied real dainty on my right toe with with a pink satin ribbon. Had the sweetest note penned so perfect on it, like a english teacher done wrote it. And it looked like one of my fans at the morgue gave me a pedicure in my slumber too, awwww.
Well, the note was from a fella that has a real special place in my cavernous heart-o- gold. He calls hiself the Crochety Old Man. I ain't never been one to blow nobody's cover. I reckon I won't commence now. He runs a real popular comedy show from Jersey at http://crotchety-old-man-yells-at-cars.blogspot.com/. Claims to be some old man, but he looks just like cuddly baby to me. Long as you don't git between him and his television, he don't do too much hollerin' neither. To tell it straight, he's jist 'bout the nicest guy I never met. Now says here I'm to tell y'all 8 thangs you didn't know 'bout me. I'm gone have to dig deep fer that....
- I have phantom pains from my soul amputation.
- I won not one, but two, Benz' in Vegas.
- Baby 1.0 is in the trunk of the other Benz.
- I would be willin' to bet that he's still livin'. I put three good sized breathin' holes in the back fore I slammed it shut.
- Baby 1.0 is available in the parkin' lot of the Big Texan Steak Ranch and Hotel on I-40 in Amarrillo. He ain't got no I.D. I left a Louis duffel with 20G's in there with him. He's a talker now...but Gawd, he's perty. You can have him. Tell him I said, "Hey, Hon." (That's my soul itchin' there.)
- I am President of my Joons P.T.A. at We're Better Than You Academy. Have been 6 years in a runnin' now.
- I also been honored as Bidness Woman of the Year more times than I can count. I'll git back to you with the stats when my girl recovers from the root rot, iffin she does.
- Of all my husbands, my happiest memories is when I was married to the Devil. Course, I didn't call him that, still don't. We had a lot of good times, but the bad times was hell. My allimony from him alone is 'bout a million dollars a month. Plus he pays all my health insurance, includin' dental. He really ain't such a bad guy, y'all. He can seem like a angel at times, he's still got that flair.. The late actor, James Dean, was a washed out take on his looks. And talk 'bout a sense a humor...sure he's older, but he don't show it none. Sometimes I wonder why I left him.
Well, I don't want to yammer on with my mundacities. Sorry I couldn't come up with nothin' more rivetin'. I ain't one of them Hollywood glamour types. I reckon you know me perty well by now, what you see is what you git. I sure appreciate you spendin' time with me here at the trailer. It always makes me happy to see you smile. Iffin anybody goes to check on Baby, give me holler, will you?
Monday, November 17, 2008
Friday, November 14, 2008
I got Baby all dolled up and took him to see the character from his favorite TV show...Oh naww, not Spongebob. I couldn't git tickets, even I ain't got that kind a stroke. I reckon this is Baby's B team show. It's program on the plastic scream called Criss Angel Mindf#ck. Have you heard tell of it? It's a children's show, where he does cute, lil magic tricks and what not. It airs on the A$E network. Yeah, that's the dude. He's got a precious, freshly exhumed look goin' and some real nice abs. His show is real popular 'cause the audience has a collective IQ hoverin' round forty deuce, makin' my Baby their target audience despite his age.
Anyhoo, Baby looked so good in his new finery...I could have eaten him with a spoon. It was nice to see him in a shirt without his name embrodried on the pocket. Oft we went to the Luxor to see this "Criss Angel- Believe".Y'all know I don't follow T.V. 'cause I can't git far enough away from ours to really see it, but I listen to it. I got a real good idea of what this series is about. This fella pulls threadbare stunts like sawin' hiself in half, lightin' hiself on fire, strappin' on chains and jumpin' in a pool of sharks, shiskabob prongs through the ear canal, levitatin', stickin' his hand through folks, strollin' through fan blades, escapin' from jail while nekkid.... and the timeworn standby, walkin' on water. His mama is a regular on the show. She hovers nearby in sackcloth and ashes.... wailin', gnashin' teeth, wringin' kleenex in her frosty fingernails and pushin' her glasses back on her Grecian pofile. It is perty powerful to watch. Baby really enjoyed hiself and the audience was enraptured. It made it real easy fer me to snatch of their wallets, so it wasn't a total waste of time fer me.
But, it did make me question some of the decisions I've made as a Mama. That A$E network approached me first 'bout me and the Joons havin' that show. The pitch was "Eve Cleveland and the Tethered Angels" and it was gone run opposite America's Funniest Home Videos. This was several years ago, and I really didn't thank there was much of an audience fer the kind of good, clean family fun that my kids and I enjoy at the trailer. Mistakenly, I figured all the ignorant folks watchin' TV at that time was watchin' AFV. I never told nobody 'bout it, I jist turned 'em down and carried on with our other bidness opportunities. Now, I wonder iffin I made a mistake. Y'all know how hard I try to do the right thang by all my Joons. They come first to me in all I do. I feel so bad now, that I thank I'm gone call home and see iffin they noticed I'm gone. I left 'em plenty of packin' peanuts, light bulbs and bar soap, so I know they ain't goin' hungry. There is lots of ammo and I left wads of cash and car keys, and prescription drugs, but still, they may need me. I reckon that I am missin' them lil buggers. I'm 'fraid I've failed 'em by not gettin' 'em that show on the A$E. Iffin I still had a soul, I think it would hurt right now. Yep, it's time to head home. So, soon as I play another couple rounds of black jack, Baby and me is leavin' Vegas. That is jist the kind of Mama I is.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Friday, November 7, 2008
I reckon I love you unconditional. And, I'm gone give you a free ride- long as you continue to take my breathe away every time I lay eyes on you and make keep makin' my heart skip a couple beats when you move....and you keep doin' what I tell you to at all times. Yep, what you and me got is somethin' real special. The technical term is a "win-win". You maintain this high volatage grin on my face and it saves you the complication of havin' to find gainful employment..... Do I need to remind you that your skill set, combined with your narcolepsy would make that an order damn near tall as you are, Baby?
But look here, this is 'bout when we are on a road trip like we is now. Baby, when I tell you to pull over at any type of store on the highway your lil ears need to perk up. First of all, that means that I need to powder my nose. And B., it means that I am 'bout to commit a felony. Fer example, back yonder. That lil container of black shoe polish I took in was for the surveillance camera lens, not my shoes...Honey, these platforms is platinum! You jist ain't real observant.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
I reckon what I'm tryin to say, is that I'm feelin' a bit cramped. This town's so dayam small that we ain't got but two houseflies livin' here at any given time. Darlin, in other parts of the country, 3 numbers don't make a zip code. Folks here don't git the flu so they might have an excuse to miss church. Families done nursed grudges so long that their babies is born with 'em.
Course, there are upsides to livin' in a tight knit community. All our homeless folks got nicknames and we know their mamas. There's no need for a stop sign long as the Harrison's continue livin' in their homestead on the busy corner. Melvin Turnupstood does a fine job hollerin' "STOP, BUBBA!"...."NOW, GO, MARY ELIZABETH CATHERINE MATILDA ANN!" whenever the need arises, he surely does..... just like his daddy did before him. And it is nice to have Ima Rednik, the checkout gal up to the Piggly, tell you what you done come in for. Well, I do appreciate the way that whenever tounges is waggin' bout me, they always add, "Y'all, we need to pray for her." That there is priceless.
But, I done made up my mind rat now- fore daylite. That don't happen much, since I ain't an early riser like you seem to be. Git your britches on, Honey. You and me is goin' to Vegas fer the weekend. You heard me... hop to it, Bunnytail. Awww, Darlin'...you jist as cute as you can be, but you sure ain't smart.. You thank fer a gotdam minute that jist by sayin' "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" makes it true? Baby, I tried to git that bill passed a long time ago.It's still settin' there on Capital Hill, but it is still only a bill . What I'm gone say is , "you ain't got to tell everythang you know". Grab that Charles' Chip's can oft the fridge and button your jeans for now. Nawww, this here can is full a cash. Jist one a many of my stashes, you know I don't trust banks. Real quick, Shug...get me a couple bottles of that Champale, we celebratin' this morinin'. Now, hurry for all the Joons wake up....shhhhh. This is gone be some fun. Have I told you lately that I love you, Baby? Well, I ain't got to say it.. you know good and well I do.